an hour later and I'm stuck in my funk

I can't focus on my work. I just keep writing on the BabyCenter boards. This is what I just wrote:

1. I don't know why but I'm still lurking on the May 2012 birth board at BabyCenter. I don't look at porn online, but going to the May 2012 birth board feels EXACTLY like how I would feel if I looked at porn online. Guilty. Life if someone were looking over my shoulder, I would quickly minimize the window. Like the women on that board would be really freaked out and disturbed and even angry if they knew I occasionally lurked. (I visit it for a few minutes maybe once every two days. I don't comment or post, of course-- I simply lurk).

I don't wish them ill, obviously. I just can't handle the fact that the birth board still exists and I can't be on it anymore. That I'm literally out of the club.

2. I'm depressed that I'm on this board. Don't get me wrong: this board is my savior and lifeline. It gives me a space to be heard and reading other women's posts fills me with peace. But I don't want to be on the dark side of the moon anymore. I want to live in joy. I want to belong to a birth club. I just feel like a loser. I'm one of life's losers. Perpetual, total, utter loser. A failure. 

3. Actually, that brings me to a new topic. This is bitter and bleak, so don't read it if you're lookng for comfort.

For my first miscarriage, I stopped coming to BabyCenter altogether a few months into TTC because it was so depressing. We're all in this together at the beginning. But last time, soon some of the women I miscarried with started getting pregnant again. And that was hard for me. Last time it took me 3 years to conceive again. And imagine what that means. It means that you watch women who miscarry MONTHS and even YEARS after you do get their BFP's. One starts to get incredibly jealous. All the months passing by, and still nothing happens. Still on the dark side of the moon. 

I have a friend who miscarried months after me. She tried for months, she cried, she lamented, we lamented together, she kept trying... but guess what? She conceived this past January and SHE JUST GAVE BIRTH. My God, so much time has elapsed since beginning this journey that someone can miscarry, not conceive 12 months in a row, carry a baby to term, and now have a child at home. You miscarried AFTER me, you had A YEAR of not getting pregnant, and YOU STILL have time in there to concieve and give birth to a baby. My point is, I've been at this for too damn long. It's not fair. I keep waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting...