#5

I just posted this to an online forum. I'm going to add it here so I can collect everything in one place. For posterity. For future reflection. For documentation.

Random thoughts: 

1. What is it like to have a successful pregnancy? It's like I'm a gnome or a creature that lives in the subterranean depths of the New York City subway system. What is it like to see growth on an ultrasound? To go through the milestones: first trimester, all those screenings, second trimester, weight gain, birth classes, packing your hospital bag?

2. My pregnant friends are now effectively dead to me. God, I won't see them or their babies for months, if ever. I'll be staying away. That's what gnomes do: we're afraid of the light. It stings our eyes.

3. This coming Christmas with in laws = hell on earth. A family member recently gave birth. No complications: hell, she gave birth in an inflatable pool in her living room. "The body knows how to do this: the body is built for amazing things." Yeah, well, my body is built for death. My body is a charnel house. Life enters but does not exit. 

4. Waiting to hear from doc about when I'll have my D&C. I do NOT want to miscarry naturally, because I need some genetic testing A--friggin--SAP to figure out what the hell is going on in here. And I was recently diagnosed with hydrosalpinx, which feminine intuition (to the extent that I can actually claim to possess anything healthy women have) tells me is killing my children. Leaching toxic fluids in there. So hopefully he'll turn my D&C to laparoscopic surgery. Take out that twisted fallopian tube, doc. Cut it out. Lay it on the table in its pulsating black mess and make me clean again. Make me able to sustain life, not destroy it. Make a procreator, not a killing machine.

5. I love my husband. God, he's a gift. He is the only thing out of this twisted blackness that is my life that I can call healthy and whole. And my dogs. And my parents and sisters. But me? Me myself? Cursed, blighted, black, and wrong.